Yes indeed. Life knows how to throw a good curveball. Some are bigger than others and can really change what you think you had planned for life. I guess that's why it's good to be flexible. And I feel like my life the past few months had to be really flexible. Most everyone who seems to read this already knows that I was diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer and have since finished treatments for it. For those of you who haven't heard who read this, there you go. What I'm writing now is basically my thoughts and feelings about this whole experience. So here we go. Let's start at the beginning shall we.
9/18/14: Colson was 14 months old. And the past 14 months have probably been the best of my life. I love Colson. Ben loves Colson. We're so happy. And we were feeling ready to share that love even more. We had decided it was time to get ready to have more kids. So I headed to the doctor to get ready for that and to have my annual check-up. Well, while my doctor was doing a check up she felt around my thyroid and found a lump. She explained that she likes to check women of my age because thyroid cancer can be more prevalent in my demographic. But she didn't want me to be worried because it could be several things. But she also told me to avoid getting pregnant until I got everything with my thyroid figured out. That was more frustrating to me. I hoped so desperately that whatever it was could be figured out quick so that I could be ready as soon as possible to have another baby. So I got sent upstairs to have an ultrasound done and had another appointment scheduled with an doctor more specialized for thyroid issues. I called Ben to let him know I would be longer at the doctor because they found the lump. I told him he didn't need to worry though. I had this overwhelming sense of peace and I absolutely knew for certain that whatever was going on that I was going to be okay. I just knew it. When I got home Ben was worried even though I had told him not to be. He had looked up what could cause lumps on people's thyroids and got worried when he saw that cancer was one of the possibilities. He probably won't like me writing this, but for me it was almost sweet to see how much he was worried about me. I know I am very blessed with a loving husband. I reassured him again that I just knew things would be alright regardless of what we found out. I wasn't arguing with the feeling that the spirit was giving me. That night I asked Ben and Morgan for a priesthood blessing though. I remember the biggest thing I got out of the blessing was that this experience I was about to have would help me draw closer to Heavenly Father. I still continued to have the sense of peace with me. I know the Holy Ghost was there comforting and encouraging me.
9/19/14: Thankfully I was able to get in with the other doctor the next day. I know I was definitely excited that things seemed to be moving quickly which is what I wanted. My appointment with the ENT doctor was relatively uneventful though. He told me similar things to what my OB/GYN had told me the day before. He scheduled a biopsy and a follow-up appointment to figure out exactly what was going on.
9/24/14: I had my biopsy done. It was kind of crazy. And cool. I'm not a big fan of needles so I was a little nervous, but I am also really curious about medical things so I also wanted to know exactly what was going on. So basically they used 1 needle to numb my neck around my thyroid. That was the part that hurt the most. Then they took 4 other needles and stuck them into my thyroid and kind of scraped them around to get cells for their samples. Pretty easy. At this point most of the doctors and nurses had told me that from what they had seen they couldn't really guess one way or the other if my lump would be cancer. But they also reassured me that if they had to get cancer and could pick one, they would pick thyroid cancer.
9/29/14: Ben and I went back to the ENT doctor for the results from the biopsy. There we found out that it was in fact thyroid cancer. Honestly at this point I wasn't too surprised. I didn't really have much of a reaction to that because I already knew that the treatment for thyroid cancer was pretty straightforward and easy compared to other cancers. I would need surgery to have my thyroid removed and then I would have to have a dose of radioactive iodine to kill any remaining thyroid and cancer cells. I'd definitely take that over chemo or other radiation treatments. However, the next thing he said was what I really wasn't ready for. He told us that after the radioactive iodine treatment we would have to wait a year before we could get pregnant. That felt like a ton of bricks got slapped across my face. I'm pretty sure if you were watching me at that point you would have seen all the blood rush from my face. I physically felt something with that statement. And that was the point where I almost cried. I wasn't worried about cancer or the treatment, but I felt a huge loss at not being able to get pregnant. I knew it was for good reasons, but it still didn't change the hurt. I have never personally experienced a miscarriage or loss of a baby, but for me it felt a little bit like I imagined I would feel at that. Like a lost opportunity. Please don't judge me or think I don't know anything or don't understand. I'm just sharing the emotions and feelings I had through all of this. It was hard. I don't know how I managed to hold it together in the doctor's office. Ben was hard to read too. I had to keep asking him what he was thinking or how he was doing or feeling. He was such a great support through all of this. So after the doctor finished talking to us we met with some of the nurses to get all the appointments set up for surgery and the rest of the treatment. We decided to just get things over with as soon as we could. So we set up my surgery for October 14. Then I had the lovely pleasure of getting to inform people about what we found out. I called my parents, but left them to tell everyone else. So far I was dealing with everything alright, but I knew I couldn't handle other people reacting or worrying about it. I still remembered and held on to that feeling I had back at the first appointment that everything would work out alright and things would be fine. I felt even more that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and this indeed would be part of what I needed for that plan to happen.
10/14/14: For the next few weeks I had to wrap my head around the fact that I had cancer. I still don't really think about it that way. Treatment for thyroid cancer is so unlike treatment for every other cancer and so it was hard to really view it that way. I felt like it was too easy to be cancer. I somehow managed to stay really positive through everything. For the most part. There were definitely harder moments, but overall I feel like I was alright. Actually let me just say here that a lot of family and friends had told me that they were fasting or praying for me. I know that it was those thoughts and prayers that helped me. I am so overwhelmed and grateful for the love that people shared for me. I won't be able to thank everyone by name, but I hope you all know how much I love you all in return and am so grateful for everything everyone did to help me one way or another. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully express that gratitude. Well we had to get to the hospital around 8 the morning of my surgery. Ben had just been hired for a new job through all of this and was just finishing his last 2 weeks and training someone, but he managed to have the day off for my surgery. My mom was so good to come up and watch Colson and help out for a few days. Ben waited with me until they were ready to take me to the operating room. The anesthesiologist gave me some sort or relaxing drug even before the anesthesia and whatever that was it totally knocked me out. I don't even remember him coming back to do the anesthesia. The surgery took about 3 hours. Ben came back to the hospital and met me in my room. Honestly I don't remember much for that first little while. I was so out of it. I'd be coherent enough to ask a question, but then lost all semblance of coherence before I could even hear the answer so I asked Ben a lot of the same questions. He was a trooper and hung out with me even though I wasn't very functional. I had to stay in the hospital overnight so they could monitor some of my levels, particularly my calcium. There are glands right by the thyroid called the parathyroid glands that control the body's calcium. Those tend to go into shock after the thyroid is removed go figure. So my calcium plummeted as expected. I was told it would take a few days to even a week for it to get back to normal. But the doctor said the surgery went perfectly and he was surprised at how well my voice was working too.
10/15/14: I finally got home from the hospital but recovering was a lot harder than I expected. Way harder than giving birth in my opinion. My mom had to keep reminding me that babies are meant to come out, but thyroids aren't. It was incredibly frustrating to not feel like myself or be able to do things I wanted to. I still struggled a little with coherence. I zoned out a lot and would leave sentences unfinished and at times couldn't even really focus enough to interact with people. I just kind of laid around not doing much of anything. I felt bad that I wasn't really interacting with anyone, but I couldn't help it really. The hardest thing was that with my calcium being so low, my hands felt so numb. I could barely open my fingers. It was a little scary. It took until Friday before I really started feeling some semblance of normalcy. My mom left Friday morning and Ben's sister Amber came up to hang out with me that day. I was grateful for that. It helped me get up and going a little more and I think that helped me start to recover more. I did have my first emotional breakdown Friday night. I hated not feeling like myself at all. I didn't feel right mentally, physically, or emotionally. That was very hard to deal with. Ben was glad that I finally showed some sign of emotion through all of this. Thankfully by my follow-up appointment the Monday after my surgery I was feeling almost back to normal. My calcium was back where it needed to be and I wasn't losing my mind anymore ha ha.
10/20/14: My follow-up appointment went well. The doctor said things were looking good. My scar already looked like it was healing well. We got all the appointments set up for the radioactive iodine treatment. Man that was going to be a lot of work. I think I went to almost as many appointments for that as I did when I was pregnant! Not quite but close. First things first I had to go on a low iodine diet for two weeks before my treatment. Then I would have to do a consult with a radiologist, 2 days of injections to get my hormones where they needed to be before the treatment, a few different blood tests, going into near isolation for nearly a week after the treatment and lots of other stuff.
10/29/14: I started the low iodine diet. All I have to say about it is that it sucked. I think it was the worst part of all of the treatments. I already have to eat gluten free so doing low iodine on top of that took away so much of what I could eat. I couldn't have any dairy or soy. Anything with salt in it I basically had to avoid because there was no way of knowing if the salt was iodized or not. I had to be careful with how much meat, beans, or rice I ate. Which for someone who has Celiac's disease and eats gluten free, cutting out rice meant losing most of my grains. I could have oatmeal. And fruits and veggies. Some nuts. I basically lived on raisins, almonds, and popcorn. There was a low iodine cookbook that I tried a few recipes from too. They were alright. But it was hard to want to make anything when I knew I was so limited. I had my second little emotional breakdown after finding out that the chicken we buy and put in bags in the freezer were injected with broth that had sea salt in it. (I couldn't have anything that came from the ocean either so that was like a double whammy.) I kind of felt like giving up and not even bothering to try the diet anymore. It was really hard. Thankfully that is not a permanent thing I have to keep up. I had to do it until about 2 days after the radioactive iodine treatment, then I could go back to good food. (Or as Braden said as good as it gets gluten free.)
11/6/14: I had a consult with a radiologist down in Ogden. I learned a lot of fun little science facts about what was going to happen to me.
11/10/14: I had to get the first injection of hormones to get me where they wanted me before the treatment.
11/11/14: I had the second injection, then had to do a pregnancy test to be extra safe, and then was given a super small dose of the radioactive iodine to get kind of a baseline for what they would need for the next day. My mom and dad came up to take Colson home with them since I couldn't be around him for at least 4 days after the treatment. It was hard to say goodbye to him.
11/12/14: I went to the hospital in Logan so they could measure and see how the small dose of radioactive iodine worked, then I was sent to McKay Dee hospital in Ogden for the large dose. Then I was basically supposed to stay at least 10 feet or more away from people for a few days. I had to drink lots of water and do a lot of other little things to make sure I didn't give off too much radiation to anyone but myself. I sat around and did a lot of reading. Ben went down to my parents Saturday morning to get Colson and stay away from me a little more. Sunday night he and Colson came home. Colson was so good for everyone. I was so excited to see him again that I got teary eyed. Not full on crying. But almost. He just hugged me for so long. I only had a few more follow-up appointments to make sure everything looked good. I just have to make sure that my thyroid hormone pills are working right and do some more follow-ups in 6 months and then a year from now.
12/2/14 (aka today): Life is basically back to normal now. It was quite a whirlwind experience. From my first appointment back in September to my last one on 11/21/14 I had been to the doctor 17 times. I lost a thyroid, went radioactive, and certainly learned a lot. By the end of this I wasn't so worried about not being able to be pregnant as soon as I wanted. I am grateful to know that I am healthy and that I will be healthy in the future when the time comes to have more kids. Indeed I have drawn closer to Heavenly Father. There is no way I could have handled things so well without Him in my life. I am so grateful to Ben for all he did to support me through everything. I am grateful that Colson is so good with other people because he had to go to lots of babysitters and spend a lot of time with other people. Again, I am grateful to all those who helped by either watching Colson, bring meals, or saying prayers. I learned that the recommended time to wait to get pregnant is actually 6 months-1 year so who knows what we'll decide to do. I guess we'll trust in Heavenly Father. I still know that everything will continue to go well and I know that Heavenly Father's plan for me is moving forward. I know that He loves me so much. Just as He loves all of us. I am grateful for so many things, but I especially want to share my gratitude for my Savior Jesus Christ and His atonement. His atonement makes it possible for me to be physically, emotionally, and mentally healed. I can turn to Him and never be alone in any hardship. He helps make weak and difficult things strength and growth. I love my life, even when it doesn't work out the way I wanted it too. I am slowly learning that Heavenly Father usually makes things work out better. Now on to the end of year and holidays. I hope you guys all have good ones.
